i don’t even know how to start but i feel like crap now. i feel like really crappy crap. hahah. it’s not anyone’s fault but mine. mine alone and i know just why it is my fault.
i don’t know how it got to this. i thought that after more than 3 years of being in a relationship with me, you’d know how i am. how i really am but no, you don’t and that is disappointing. i’d hoped that you’d understand the decision i made the other day.
i was unhappy. in a relationship or not, i was unhappy and i wanted out because it was affecting the both of us. i didn’t want to make you unhappy and i also didn’t want to make myself feel worse from the fights i had with you.
i wanted to be away from everything, to cut off all strings and just be. i wanted to drown in my sorrows and then rise above them and fly. i wanted to find myself again. i wanted to know who i am and what i want.
i lost myself.
my dad passed away and i was so grieved it affected me in every way. i don’t know why, it just did and it made me think about life more and more each day. i regret many things and i just didn’t feel like wasting any more of my life away. i wanted to just live.
i just wanted to feel free to do anything i wanted. i wanted to just find myself, most of all. i wanted to know what i really want.
i don’t even know what i am talking about now. *sigh*
i just wish i knew how to describe every thought and every feeling with words. it’s just so frustrating how words are so insufficient.
so i made the decision. i was sure that i still loved you and i believed that we’d get back together somehow even if we separated. but then if it’s really not meant to be, well it’s just not meant to be then. it’s just how life is, isn’t it? it’s how life works right?
you didn’t understand.
i was hoping that you would. and i thought that in time you would accept things and just live too. but no, you tried to kill yourself.
so i guess somehow things just fell into place. it was ugly. i feel guilty. it was all my fault because it was my idea. i don’t want you to die. i still loved you.
when that happened, something in me just breaks, i don’t know what. my willpower maybe? my strength?
i just feel very lost now.
i don’t even know what is it that i’m doing anymore. i don’t know what i want anymore. all i wanted was a journey of self-discovery but now i don’t even know what i want anymore. i don’t even want to do anything anymore. i feel as if life has no meaning and it doesn’t matter what you want, it doesn’t matter what you do.
it’s all meaningless. life is meaningless. we all die someday and that’s that.
and i will always have this undercurrent of sadness within me although i can be happy at times… which would only be temporary.
so now, just do what you want with me. clue me in on what you want. i’m here to stay, to do as you bid.
nothing else matters anyway.