be nice to everyone; but be wary too.

i don’t even know how to start but i feel like crap now. i feel like really crappy crap. hahah. it’s not anyone’s fault but mine. mine alone and i know just why it is my fault.

i don’t know how it got to this. i thought that after more than 3 years of being in a relationship with me, you’d know how i am. how i really am but no, you don’t and that is disappointing. i’d hoped that you’d understand the decision i made the other day.

i was unhappy. in a relationship or not, i was unhappy and i wanted out because it was affecting the both of us. i didn’t want to make you unhappy and i also didn’t want to make myself feel worse from the fights i had with you.

i wanted to be away from everything, to cut off all strings and just be. i wanted to drown in my sorrows and then rise above them and fly. i wanted to find myself again. i wanted to know who i am and what i want.

i lost myself.

my dad passed away and i was so grieved it affected me in every way. i don’t know why, it just did and it made me think about life more and more  each day. i regret many things and i just didn’t feel like wasting any more of my life away. i wanted to just live.

i just wanted to feel free to do anything i wanted. i wanted to just find myself, most of all. i wanted to know what i really want.

i don’t even know what i am talking about now. *sigh*

i just wish i knew how to describe every thought and every feeling with words. it’s just so frustrating how words are so insufficient.

so i made the decision. i was sure that i still loved you and i believed that we’d get back together somehow even if we separated. but then if it’s really not meant to be, well it’s just not meant to be then. it’s just how life is, isn’t it? it’s how life works right?

you didn’t understand.

i was hoping that you would. and i thought that in time you would accept things and just live too. but no, you tried to kill yourself.

so i guess somehow things just fell into place. it was ugly. i feel guilty. it was all my fault because it was my idea. i don’t want you to die. i still loved you.

when that happened, something in me just breaks, i don’t know what. my willpower maybe? my strength?

i just feel very lost now.

i don’t even know what is it that i’m doing anymore. i don’t know what i want anymore. all i wanted was a journey of self-discovery but now i don’t even know what i want anymore. i don’t even want to do anything anymore. i feel as if life has no meaning and it doesn’t matter what you want, it doesn’t matter what you do.

it’s all meaningless. life is meaningless. we all die someday and that’s that.

and i will always have this undercurrent of sadness within me although i can be happy at times… which would only be temporary.

so now, just do what you want with me. clue me in on what you want. i’m here to stay, to do as you bid.

nothing else matters anyway.

i feel like my work shoes.

(old, ugly, unhappy and worn out.)

high time to replace them.

book wishlist

1. Dilka Bear

2. The Diary of Anaïs Nin (Volumes 1 - 7)

3. Fyre

4. Eldest, Brisingr, Inheritance

5. ….

She opened up to me

like a flower bud into a flower.

Slowly

delicately and

so beautifully.

and now regrets are all i have to remember you by.

how do i stop this dam from breaking?

i can’t keep on pretending.

it hurts.

it hurts.

i’m trapped.

i don’t know how long i’ll keep on drifiting; drifting in this sea of sadness.

oh, right.

i went out to watch a movie with a friend but there were no seats left. so we went shopping (i did the shopping). i bought 3 books (they were RM 8 each please!!) and found out that they were selling these Septimus Heap series at RM 8 each also and like, i was like, POPULAR YOU RUINED MY LIFE!

gawd nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. i bought them already, damn it. T-T

and then i bought a pair of sandals because my current one is wearing out. hoho. but i forgot about them and they’re still in the car and now i’m like, mehhhh

guilt

i don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.

you almost killed yourself today.

tell me, how can i ever be really happy again?

knowing that i was the reason that happened. knowing that i hurt you so badly, you’d earn a nasty scar that you’ll always carry around.

i guess i’ll never know what it’s like to be really happy again. ever.

it wouldn’t matter - what i do now or what i do next.

i give up.

on me.

on life.

on happiness.

it’s no use chasing after something so elusive, so beyond reach.

goodbye.

i want a house in the suburbs, surrounded by trees. i’d have a skylight and as i lay down at night, i’ll watch the stars twinkle in the sky.

i love to see people enjoy what they do; that’s when they’re at their best; that’s when they’re most honest and you can see a glimpse of what they really are, underneath.

LIESEL AND MAX: DO THEY REMAIN TOGETHER

zusakbooks:

On one hand (and this is the cop-out answer) it’s purely up to the reader, just as characters in every book live on beyond the pages. Nobody can be wrong.

In this case, though, in my own mind, I have at least four reasons why Max and Liesel don’t get married, and I honestly believe it’s more…

In just a few days and a few words, everything changed. Help me understand this. It doesn’t make much sense. - March 31st

i didn’t talk to you for seven months.